i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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