He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
