Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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