Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
