Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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