i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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