is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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