I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
