Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
