Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
