At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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