Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
