I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
