I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
