my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
