I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
