..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
