After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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