I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There's a naked man in my car right now.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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