Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
