Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
