I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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