Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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