90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
