zippers are such a cool invention
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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