I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
