Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
