Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
