my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
