Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
