I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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