My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
