apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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