dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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