Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
