i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
