Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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