I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
