I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
