On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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