I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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