ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
