bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
