i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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