Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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