Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
