My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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