I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
