Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She said her name was "party"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
