Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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