Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
