I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
