OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
