She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Randomize
